I was Thinking, or Not

I have for all these years been just moving along, not certain of much of anything, but that I am certain that as long as I held tightly to the dream, it would be. The dream manifest in strange and wondrous ways. I still hold on to that dream factiously hoping for a break, and even though it seems dark sometimes, it is there, gleaming in my mind. My da died holding onto the fistful of dreams he could never pass on. I understand his torment, and what he was trying to say, in his way. It is still there da, in my mind, that glaring eye, that holds sway to my passion, but won't let it go until I fill its needs. But my dear old da I have beat him at his own game, and he licks his wounds in the darkness of my fetal mind. My ma died unfulfilled of her most sacred duty, although she saw me off, and with that she can take some peace. Yes ma, she is beautiful, and she takes me to the highest highs that I could never get with that shit that you never did like any way. I will avenge you

To the boys; I know you think it is just smoke and mirrors, but it is not always what it seems. I can't make any promises but I can give you this, if you will believe it will all come true for you. I am doing all I can, and I really wish you would listen, but I can't blame you if you don't who am I to say, I have been there before. All I can say is that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and if you are lucky it is not a train. I know it seems I did destroy what you may have thought was perfection, but if not I it would have been someone, and at least that I can say for certain. So I will make this short, so as to not boar you to much pain. I am not dead yet, and until I am, and even after that, I will love you all and I give whatever I can until I can give no more. Love Always James

What the fuck is this that I have discovered, some bland slate of blue marble, given to me with words written upon, with scarlet ink that bleeds and blurs the letters into scarcity. I am still a blind paint, written in cast member, sitting in the audience, sleeping in the alley way, with the piss boy and the double dealer. I slit through this chocolate dream scape, into the fog of the smoke filled perfection. The drag queen opened her mouth to come, and his best friend slips into another form of oblivion, without a sound, will you just look at that. And I thought Andy was all this time living in the haze of my shadow, long ago forgotten, oh yea I don't remember that muther fucker, he was just a whiff of my dragon pipe, slit to the thigh. "Are you fucking listening" he said "you fucking slut bitch, why haven't you got the hell out of here and left me to my best boy friend" "That is not what you want, is it" she whispers into the nothingness before